


Gertrude Robinson’s Analysis of the Fuckability of Fear Entities

by smuttyshitposting



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fear Is Sexy, Inappropriate Humor, Monsterfucking, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:55:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24554239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smuttyshitposting/pseuds/smuttyshitposting
Summary: Jonathan Sims stumbles upon another of Gertrude’s tapes. It contains incredibly important information.
Relationships: Agnes Montague/Gertrude Robinson, No relationships in focus but implied:
Comments: 11
Kudos: 61





	Gertrude Robinson’s Analysis of the Fuckability of Fear Entities

**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever just think of something and immediately want to write it?  
> No, I do not take constructive criticism.

Jon stared at the tape for a minute or so. Yet another recording from Gertrude Robinson, though this one hadn’t been found by the usual means. Rather than being delivered by eerie providence, it had been found under a floorboard towards the back of his office, part of a whole lost file; Jon reached for it curiously.

More information couldn’t hurt, right? He slipped it into the tape recorder.

* * *

Recording by Gertrude Robinson, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Elias, if you’re going to keep us going through with this façade, I hope you don’t expect me to be helpful. I may not know precisely what you’re planning, but I know I want no part of it. I have more important things to be doing than collate your files.

But if you insist I do work on all this, then very well. Report one, conclusions drawn by myself.

Gertrude Robinson’s Analysis of the Fuckability of Fear Entities. First draft.

I don’t have to make my reports anything of use to you and whatever your plan is. Although, footnote, if it turns out this _is_ connected to your larger plan, contact me immediately. We may have gotten off on the wrong foot.

Where to start?

I suppose the Beholding is the logical place.

The Eye has struck me more as a voyeur than an active participant. As much as I am tempted to rank it near the bottom purely out of spite, I do have some sense of academic integrity. Avatars of the Ceaseless Watcher tend to do little except, well, watch, and as such I doubt there is any particular aspect to look out for.

I suppose the argument could be made that they would know what they are doing, and the… questioning approach has a certain appeal. One could be asked what they like, and have no choice but to list off every desire, every thought, no matter how personal, private, or how ashamed they were of the fantasy.

 _Deep breath_.

But I suppose if we are at the stage where one is considering sexual intercourse with an eldritch fear entity, shame is of little consideration. The Beholding would be about average. That is my reasoned conclusion.

What next… Ah, an easy one. The Corruption.

At the bottom I’m afraid. Wriggling creepy crawlies and dozens of insects may appeal to certain people, but they do not to me, and as I am the one making this list, the bottom it is.

The disease angle bears consideration, but there is no confirmed report of the Corruption manifesting as sex pollen. Moving on.

Hm. Speaking of, the Buried. For something called Choke, its potential as a sexual partner is rather limited. Asphyxiation is generally more fun without the taste of soil in one’s mouth.

That would be most of the easy no’s.

Although I suppose one must make a mention of the End. The Goth stylings are certainly enticing, and I can imagine the sense of inevitability to be potentially rather enjoyable.

The problem I see is how passive the End tends to be. It strikes me as almost asexual in nature; when one is faced with crushing awareness of one’s own mortality, it can be rather hard to get in the mood, as they say. The melancholy associated with the inescapability of Terminus lacks the thrill of adrenaline or lust for life engendered by other powers.

So, while in theory I could see some distinct enjoyment to be gained from doing the deed with Death, the unlikelihood of it means I must put the End rather low as well.

Hm.

Ah, Desolation is easy. First place, with little contest. No, I will not elaborate, I _do_ still have a private life. I can say with some confidence however that it is truly stellar in bed, even if she melts the phone halfway through an attempt at phone sex.

I suppose I should start dividing up the possibilities now. Are their any powers I feel are less arousing than the average person?

Most do well. The Dark has the same gothic trappings as the End, with more a sense of urgency, Promising. As a possibility, it certainly ranks higher than the End and Beholding both.

No, I don’t have a kink for goths, and even if I did it would be none of your business.

Ah! I feel the Slaughter is the last of the less sexually fulfilling entities.

It is more active than the End, certainly, and war might imply a degree of fervour or stamina. Nevertheless, my feeling is that the Slaughter would be too distracted by other matters to prove a suitably attentive lover.

Now, this is not to say avatars of the Slaughter are incapable of being sexy. There are rumours of a band influenced by the power, and there is a reason for the cliché of rock stars being hot, but simply because one _looks_ attractive does not mean one is a worthwhile sexual partner.

I suppose I must acknowledge the Web sooner or later. Despite my own personal… misgivings, there can be no denying the Mother of Puppets’ sexual appeal. I feel if we have come this far, then the risk of a few hundred spiders is not going to dissuade an interested participant from a quite literally mind-altering experience.

The Spider’s propensity for control promises a great deal of intensity, and being moved like a puppet to service her, your wrists bound by webbing, more than makes up for the risk of-

 _Clears throat_.

I mean, it isn’t something I’ve thought about. But there is something to be said for the concept. Yes. I may have my own dislike of the Mother of Puppets, but only a fool would deny that she would be _incredible_ in bed.

While we are on the subject of mind-altering entities, the Spiral comes to mind. The Spiral is supremely fuckable. It brings with it all the intensity and mind-altering power of the Web, without any spiders, and with those _hands_.

If one is going to bang a dread power, intensity should be the least one asks for; feeling the world fade away and feeling only the impossible sensations that they can create is the drive behind this.

And I’m not just saying this because I want to find out if they have a door downstairs.

One moment.

 _The sound of scribbling_.

Okay. This has been quite disorganised enough. The official Gertrude Robinson ranking is as follows.

From least fuckable to most. The Corruption, the Buried, for the reasons gone into. Then the End and the Slaughter for their lack of interest, and then Beholding as an average. The Dark isn’t much better, but it _is_ sexier.

Then, hm, I think this is a good point for the Lonely. Loneliness may not lend itself to carnal escapades, but avatars of the Lonely tend to be considerably more… submissive, socially anxious, than their counterparts for other fears.

If nothing else, the novelty value of a fear entity being a bottom earns it this spot.

There aren’t too many left, and those that are can be split up into categories. The mind-melting fears of the Web and the Spiral, the animal fears of the Hunt and Flesh, and then there’s the Vast and the Stranger.

The Stranger, I think, comes next. I Do Not Know You has a number of… attractive possibilities. True, they may peel your face off as foreplay, which _is_ a negative, but the Circus of the Other also opened my eyes to the… appeal of certain more circus-themed costumes, so the positives balance that out.

I suspect, for the Stranger, ‘coming so hard you forget your own name’ may be more than an idiom. I won’t deny some curiosity as to how that would feel. It might almost be worth it.

Which then takes us to the Vast. This is a more indistinct fear, true; much like the End one could view it asexual, simply uninterested in these affairs. This is a possibility, and I am unsure how one could perform acts of intimacy with the sky.

However there are two key points to consider. One, is that space in general is simply very sexy. Two, the Vast does not just cover the fear of the large space of the sky, but also large spaces like the depths of the ocean and the unknown things that might lurk within. Thus, it is logical to conclude that the Vast is the fear entity with the most tentacles, which earns it a place high up on the list.

I am currently in the process of tracking down a Leitner that reflects this aspect of the Vast; I believe it was last seen in Japan. Finding this book would be, _clears throat_ , beneficial.

Now we reach the animal fears.

The Flesh is next. It has the raw appeal that the Vast’s tentacles had, with a variety of fleshy forms for one to partake of, and the possibility for any number of… organs.

There is the matter of its animal avatars, but I have been persuaded by a friend at the Institute – you know which one Elias – that there is something called Ay, Bee, Oh, and that possessing animalistic body parts can sometimes be an incentive.

I will take their word for this, and am certainly not marking this down for further study as we speak.

Which takes us to the Hunt. While there may be less in the way of physicality, one must not underestimate the simple value of being wanted. Should a Hunter be interested in you, they will more than likely make it known, and the experience that follows would be, I suspect, rather all-consuming. They would… stake their claim, as it were, touch you until they were satisfied you’d never be able to think of anyone else, do things to you just so they could say they _had_ , and the stamina hunting requires could be put to…

Ahem. So I imagine.

For reasons gone into previously, the Web is in third. The Spiral is in second, I will permit myself that petty joy of knocking the Mother of Puppets down a spot, and as mentioned the Desolation is by far the most fuckable of all entities. There is a _reason_ waxplay is a kink.

To reiterate. Corruption, Buried, End, Slaughter, Beholding, Dark, Lonely, Stranger, Vast, Flesh, Hunt, Web, Spiral, Desolation. Yes, that is what I am doing with your resources and my time, and no I do not take criticism.

Here is your report for the day. Next week, listing all the problems that could be solved with sufficient quantities of dynamite.

 _Click_.


End file.
